2
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Bunking with Gordy
by Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | November 03, 2009
Our annual conference is coming up next week, and I can't wait. It's my favorite week of the year. I bumped
into someone recently who reminded me of another conference, many years ago, that I'll never forget.
About 15 years ago, I was working at a university as an academic adviser. We usually attended one
professional conference a year. I got to talking with a colleague, Gordy, who planned to go to the same
conference that I wanted to attend. It turns out that Gordy had already registered and had a hotel
reservation. In fact, he said they'd given him a two room suite. He said that he wasn't going to use the other
room, so I was welcome to it. I thought it was a fabulous ideaa way to save on our organization's travel
dollars.
Everything went off without a hitch until we got to the hotel in Miami. We got our keys and went up to settle
into our two room suite. We got to the door, opened it, and walked in. It wasn't a two room suite. It was a
standard hotel room with a King size bed in an alcove and a "living room" sofa that folded out into a hidea
bed. The "bedroom" was separated by a thin louvered door, more flimsy than the ones on a standard home
closet. The other opening to the alcove had no door whatsoever. "Two rooms" was a gross exaggeration.
I looked at Gordy and the blood drained from his face. We quickly decided that sharing a room was not
what either of us had in mind. I called the desk and asked for another room. There was "No Room at the
Inn." In fact, there was some major event in town. The desk clerk told me it was hopeless. There wasn't a
hotel room to be had anywhere within miles. I told Gordy the news. AWKward! We tried to think of what we
could do. There was no other solution: we had to share the room. This was going to be an adventure. Other
than my husband, I've only bunked with one other guy in my lifemy little brother, and we were preschoolers
at the time.
Gordy was and is happily married, and I knew his wife, Leslie. She worked in our organization too. I, of
course, was and am happily married. I called my husband and told him about the situationwhich he thought
was a scream. SoGordy and I shared a room. My only complaint is that chivalry lost out; Gordy claimed
dibs on the King bed leaving me to sleep on the foldout couch. It was the only solution, though. Gordy is
every bit of 6'4" and would never have fit on the sofa. The bathroom had a real door on it so we could both
shower and change with privacy. We were both nononsense let'smakethiswork types, and it did. Gordy
was the perfect gentleman, and I hope I wasn't too unpleasant to room with.
I ran into Gordy at a store about a month ago. Since he's about 20 years older than I, he's long since retired
and, of course, I now work at NCFR. I hadn't seen him in years, but when we spotted each other, we both
started to laugh. My husband was a couple aisles away in the store. I waved him over, and I finally got to
introduce him to Gordy... who will always have a fond place in my heart as My Other Male Roomie.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
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n-equals-1
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<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
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A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
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Bunking with Gordy
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There was no other solution: we had to share the room.
Creator
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Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
bunking-gordy
Date
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November 03, 2009
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https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/4f5bc9b8ff997fdb9bf017c66cb686da.pdf
b4720743cd5e8d8f6344a46ac07601d0
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Text
Candy Cigarettes: Trick? or just Treat?
by Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | May 11, 2009
A candy shop in a shopping mall near my home sells candy cigarettes; I
could hardly believe my eyes. I snapped a picture with my cell phone so
readers know I'm not hallucinating.
Amazingly, I searched around on the web and could find very little public policy and even scientific
information about these products. I remember seeing these as a child, but I thought they would be banned
by now. Apparently not. I couldn't find any confirmation of a statewide ban in Minnesota nor one at the
federal level. A Wikipedia page lists North Dakota as being a state with a ban, but I am shocked that this is
not national policy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candy_cigarette
When I looked around, most of the information I found when searching for "candy" and "cigarettes" was
about actual cigarettesreal onesthat are candy flavored. I must be completely out of the loop. I had no
idea these existed either.
I've known lots of smokers in my life. I have yet to meet one who is happy he or she picked up the habit. In
fact, almost all of them talk of their addiction with great regret and have tried to quit numerous times.
But science is all about evidence. I am making an assumption that candy that looks like a cigaretteand that
comes in a box that resembles a pack of cigarettesmight encourage smoking in children; it seems an
intuitive and logical supposition to me. But I'd like to have some facts. If anyone knows the scientific
evidence on this issue, please post a comment.
Share your thoughts
�Posted by Anonymous | January 12, 2011 5:12pm.
Yes, the disturbing facts about CANDY cigarettes are astounding that they arent publicly looked at the same way
CARTOONs depicted smoking are! I smoked for 4 years, thankfully i have learned my lesson and quit two years
ago... I happen to be somebody who never actually had candy cig's as a child, but the fact remains that they
promote smoking to be glamorous, and make kids think they are like their parents and adults... which we all know
that kids around the age of 5 up until 18 or even the 20s want nothing more than to be seen as adults, and treated
as such. so obviously the big tobacco companies are experts at marketting, and at one time were allowed free
range with product placement for many years. and somehow candy smokes have slipped through the cracks.
something even more disturbing about this, is I found a site with people who are PLEASANTLY remembering how
they loved candy cigarettes... the only thing they seem to leave out is that they have been on two packs a day since
age 12, and as fond as they are of the candy, they have done nothing in the way of discouraging other parents from
having their kids follow in their footsteps.
heres the link.
http://www.oldtimecandy.com/candycigarettes.htm
also, about your question... the scientific research that has been done is failry comprehensive, but like the source of
the research, the results have slipped through the cracks and nobody seems to pay much attention to this.
http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.ypmed.2007.04.006
exactly what you are looking for I think. :)
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The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
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n-equals-1
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<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Candy Cigarettes: Trick? or just Treat?
Description
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A candy shop in a shopping mall near my home sells candy cigarettes; I could hardly believe my eyes. I've known lots of smokers in my life. I have yet to meet one who is happy he or she picked up the habit. In fact, almost all of them talk of their addiction with great regret and have tried to quit numerous times.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
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candy-cigarettes-trick-or-just-treat
Date
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May 11, 2009
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https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/2fe05e52826055b62419b677ec221235.pdf
bdf0dc9dd232888401dd778a436954eb
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Text
Caregiving via Internet
By Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | August 04, 2011
We can blame the internetsometimes justifiablythat it has had a
negative impact on individuals and families. There are lots of examples;
my personal pet peeve is cell phone use while driving. However, a well
worn cliché works best to describe another viewpointLet's not throw
the baby out with the technology bathwater. There are also many
examples of how the internet has fostered community and family
solidarity. I'd like to highlight two that exist in my life.
CaringBridge.org has been a Godsend in keeping us updated on two
loved ones, both fighting cancer. With CaringBridge, a family sets up an account and sends the private log
in information to everyone in their circle that they wish to update. The family can therefore get all the news
out on the internet without fielding "How are you?" phone calls all day. Sick people and their caregivers
need sleep and privacy. CaringBridge is a gatekeeping tool to keep communications efficient and helpful.
People just check the website for the latest news. The website also sends out emails to loved ones to alert
them that a new entry has been posted. Even better, the communication is two way; loved ones can send a
message to the ill person whenever they wish as well.
Another internet Godsend is a service I just learned about, Foodtidings.com. This website is similarly
structured, but with a different missiondelivering food. Quoting their website, "Food Tidings exists to
simplify the process of organizing meals for friends or family members in a transitional time of life. For
someone who has just had a baby, recovering from surgery or injury, grieving the passing of a loved one,
confined to bed rest, and almost anything else, receiving dinners from loved ones can be very comforting
and helpful." Foodtidings is going strong in our neighborhood. One neighbor family recently had the
horrendous tragedy of losing three family members in a car accident. The neighbors are all on board. Food
is scheduled to be delivered weeks out. My night is August 16.
These are just two examplesI'm sure there are more. Skype has been a blessing for long distance
families. Do you know of a communitybuilding service on the web? Please post a comment and let me
know so we can get the word out!
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Caregiving via Internet
Description
An account of the resource
Think the internet is a scourge of humanity? I've been pleasantly surprised by the ways social networking is knitting people together.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
caregiving-internet
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August 04, 2011
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https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/56d6bb315f483a139ae349612d797895.pdf
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Changing lives: one inflatable turkey at a time
By Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | February 23, 2012
NCFR scholars change lives. And here's proof.
NCFR has a Book Club twice a year. In the fall of 2010, we read Robert
Milardo's book, Forgotten Kin: Aunts and Uncles. One of the Book Club
participants has a story to tell about it, and I have permission to tell it
here. A few identifying factors will be changed for privacy, but the
essential story remains. Our participantlet's call her Maryread the
book and soon applied the content with wonderful results.
Mary has two nephewsthe sons of her brother. About 12 years ago,
her brother went through a divorce. The mother of the boys had to relocate out of state for employment, and
the boys went too. The older nephew eventually chose to come back to her brother to live and finish high
school. However, the younger one was pretty much divorced from Mary's side of the family entirely. Mary
thought she may never see him again. Then, taking a chance (because of the Book Club and learning how
important these relationships are), she sent him a card and a nice check for his 18th birthday in June of
2011. She just signed it "I'm always your Auntie" and left it at that, never expecting to hear from him. She
was even prepared to have the check returned if her nephew wanted to break ties. She hadn't had any
contact with him since he was a little boy.
She was blown away by the results. Her nephewlet's call him Charlielooked her up on Facebook and
sent her a long, long message sharing all of his feelings about life and goals for his future. It was just
exhilarating for Mary! Charlie shared that not only did he remember Aunt Mary, what he remembered the
most about her was her penchant for practical jokes and gag gifts.
Charlie started college this past fall of 2011. Aunt Mary made a commitment to Charlie to keep him laughing
and to build that bridge that she thought was gone. Every two months or so, Mary sends him a classic
college care package$20 and some homemade fudge or a gag gift of some kind. He looks forward to his
packages and shares them with his friends. Her gifts are now part of the legend of his dorm floor. Everyone
wants to see the crazy stuff that Charlie's aunt Mary sends. For Thanksgiving, he got an inflatable gag
turkey. "Last time," she added,"it was a remote control whoopee cushion and enough pizza 'dough' to treat
his friends to a Superbowl party." His friends think he has the best aunt ever. Mary knew she had reeled
him back into the boat when he wrote in December with his new addresshe changed rooms in the dorm
and he wanted to make sure Mary had the address change. He didn't want to miss any packages!
Had Mary not read Forgotten Kin: Aunts and Uncles for the NCFR Book Club, she says she would've never
had the courage to reach out. She missed half of his childhood, and she thought all was lost forever. The
book was convincingaunts and uncles have a potential for unique generativity with their nieces and
nephews. Mary reached outand Charlie reached back.
�It's moments like these when I realize the important influence that family scholars can have in families. Dr.
Milardo did the research. NCFR member Mary applied it. Mary has her nephew back. And now his dorm
floor has an inflatable turkey, a remote control whoopee cushion and a pizza party every few weeks. Mary
sends a big shout out to Bob Milardo for his lifechanging work!
Interested in aunts and uncles and their roles in families? Here's a link to purchase Dr. Milardo's book on
Amazon.com.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Changing lives: one inflatable turkey at a time
Description
An account of the resource
NCFR has a Book Club twice a year. In the fall of 2010, we read Robert Milardo's book, Forgotten Kin: Aunts and Uncles. One of the Book Club participants has a story to tell about it, and I have permission to tell it here. A few identifying factors will be changed for privacy, but the essential story remains. Our participant--let's call her Mary--read the book and soon applied the content with wonderful results.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
changing-lives-one-inflatable-turkey-time-0
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
February 23, 2012
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/54bff62ef6b9e28dbabd2e661f91b721.pdf
b7611c1c8960647de8061351193c8a14
PDF Text
Text
Contagion: art meets science
By Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | September 19, 2011
Yesterday afternoon my husband and I went to the movie, "Contagion,"
starring Matt Damon, Gywneth Paltrow and a few other big names
(which made for a great cast.) It was nice to see Elliott Gould whose
work I've always liked. I hadn't seen him on the big screen for years,
and I wished he'd had a larger role.
Back to the topic at hand, Contagion is about the emergence of a
pandemic flu and how the world would handle such an event. I've read
one account of the 1918 flu and although there is much that has
changed in 93 years, especially medical and technological advances, some things will never change such
as human nature. To see if art meets science, I was interested in how the scientific community would speak
to the film, if at all.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has devoted a
webpage to the discussion of the Contagion film. They've decided to use the film as a teaching moment.
The film is not overthetop gory and it does transmit some helpful information. If you liked The Andromeda
Strain, as I did, you'll probably like Contagion. Even so, it was still a creepy prospect. A large part of the
film was set in Minneapolis, my home, which made me squirm. However, there was a moment of much
needed tensionrelieving humor in the theatre we were in. About 45 minutes into the film, someone sneezed
really loud and everyone in the theatre burst out laughing.
Read about the CDC's response to the film here.
If you'd like to read a comprehensive account of the 1918 pandemic, I recommend The Great Influenza:
The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History, by John M. Barry.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
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Contagion: art meets science
Description
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The new film Contagion is catching and scary. Fortunately real life scientists are weighing in.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
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contagion-art-meets-science
Date
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September 19, 2011
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/1f8c02224207a0a948b3b7aea68e9f2d.pdf
0e7849a92f23c8fef286ab92bda20a33
PDF Text
Text
Crocodile what?!
by Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | May 25, 2010
There's a special kind of pain in recognizing that there's something that
everyone else understandsexcept me. One of the first memories I have
of this is from seventh grade. I was at a junior high dance. As an aside,
the word "dance" was a bit of an overstatement. As I recall, the girls
stood around on one half of the gym and the boys on the other. But
what I couldn't understand were the lyrics to one of the songs at the
danceCrocodile Rock, Elton John's hit song from that year. My hearing
was excellent. I just couldn't make out what he was saying.
For example, there's one line that I now know is "long nights crying by
the record machine, dreaming of my Chevy and my old blue jeans." It's
so obvious now! Here all these years I've been trying to understand
why he was so obsessed with beverages, "dreaming of my sherry and
my Ovaltine."
Mr. John has had an amazing career that must be about 40 years long by now. He's never gone out of
style. I admire not only his single hits, but his score of The Lion King, his playful choice of eyewear and,
most of all, his many generous humanitarian projects. Year after year, he would release songs that were
always wonderful tunes... but in almost half of the songshalf of the timeI had no idea what he was saying.
I completely and freely admit this is my problem. Everyone else must be able to hear the words, or his
songs wouldn't hit the charts as they do. Especially in seventh grade, I would've been too embarrassed to
ask someone to interpret his lyrics. Now that I think about it, it's too embarrassing now.
Thank goodness for the internet. Now I canvia the secrecy of my own laptoptype "lyrics" and "Crocodile
Rock" and it's all laid out for me. Ohof course! THAT'S what he's saying! Even so, I discovered that
reading the lyrics doesn't completely answer all my questions. I just looked up the lyrics to another Elton
John hit that I've never understoodBennie and the Jets. Now I've read the lyrics, in plain English, and still I
have only a vague idea what they mean. There must be something wrong with me.
What my little parable reveals are a couple of things related to family studies. Even when families "hear" a
message under the best of circumstancesin their native language, with no hearing impairmentsometimes
they have no idea what's being said. What our job is, if we are to be the multidisciplinary source of
information about the understanding of families, is to be the connection between what is said and what is
heard. Practitioners, such as family life educators, can create that safe place to ask questions and get
answers. Increasingly, this may be via websites developed for families. In the next issue of NCFR's member
magazine, there is an article that brings up the topic of the internet and our mission. With regard to
disseminating information about families, we are just beginning to exploit the possibilities we have with new
�technology. It's embarrassing for me to ask about the lyrics to Crocodile Rock; how joyous it was to have
the internet and quickly dispel over 30 years of ignorance.
Researchers? It all starts with you. You are the composers that write hit songs. Most of the time, however,
a journal article wouldn't be understandable to a family in its original form. NCFR practitioners and CFLEs
like methen it's up to us. By reading the research, we know what the words are. But when we serve
families directly, we have to have enough of a command of research to know how to translate it into a
format that can be understood by our clients. There will be times that even we don't understand the words.
We have to be courageous enough to ask our researchers "what does this mean?"
Researchers? Scholars can learn from practitioners, too. If we tell you that an unusually large number of
Elton John fans cannot understand his lyrics, you can find out why.
This is the beauty of NCFR. This is where this process happens. Theory, research, translation, practice,
new questions from practice, more theory and back to research. Hmmm. Reminds me of an Elton John
song that I do understandThe Circle of Life.
Epilogue: I just asked my husband to read this article, which he did. I've been married almost 25 years, and
I thought I knew everything about him. Turns out he's had the same problem with Elton John's songs
too. He said he never understood the line, "Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer. Count the head lice on the
highway..."
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The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
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Crocodile what?!
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What my little parable reveals are a couple of things related to family studies. Even when families "hear" a message under the best of circumstancesin their native language, with no hearing impairmentsometimes they have no idea what's being said. What our job is, if we are to be the multidisciplinary source of information about the understanding of families, is to be the connection between what is said and what is heard.
Creator
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Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
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crocodile-what
Date
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May 25, 2010
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/9b9a1d09fbb7a43934dbf5a8882843f8.pdf
ccb2b3d0f738e00244d8db8d4a8de209
PDF Text
Text
Donny was my Technicolor Dreamboat
by Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | December 08, 2008
Tomorrow, December 9th, 2008, is Donny Osmond's 51st birthday.
How do I know this? For one thing, I have an encyclopedialike memory
for birthdays. But in this case, it's a bit more. One never forgets the
birthday of one's first love.
Ask any woman, "did you have a teenage crush on a celebrity?" Among
my girlfriends of my age cohort, if you ask who their teen dream was,
you'll probably hear "David Cassidy", "Bobby Sherman" or a few others;
my teen idol was Donny.
It was the early 70s, and there was a lot going on in the U.S. at the time. Mercifully, at age 11, I didn't know
about the tragedy at Kent State. Never heard of the Weather Underground. Songs about Yellow
Submarines made absolutely no sense to me. And all I remember about Watergate is the mindnumbing,
incessant TV hearings all day presidedover by the jowly, scowly Sam Ervin which, for some reason I could
not fathom, were being broadcast on every station.
Adolescence is a wonderful and frightening developmental stage. Within just months, a girl turns into a
young woman. For girls, impending womanhood is heralded by a momentous physiological event that is
visible proof that the process is well underway. I recall vividly that a few weeks after menarche, I was still
playing with my Barbie dolls. But there was feeling stirring that was very distressing. Barbie and Ken
weren't fun anymore. Dressing my dolls, styling their hair, going shopping with Ken, and sitting at the beach
with Skipper just didn't do it for me anymore. I packed my Barbies away in a box. A few weeks later, I took
them out and tried to play with them again. I was grieving: the magic was gone. But that's about the same
time a new feeling showed up.
Ask around. If you can get them to admit it, many women will sheepishly own up to a youthful infatuation
and give you a name. Developmental psychologists undoubtedly have a scientific explanation as to why
teen idols are such a fixation for young girls. Without even lookingup this research, I can tell you what
Donny did for me beginning in 6th grade. He was a safe love object whom I could admire from afar. I could
practice and process scary and thrilling emotions with no risk of rejection or embarrassment. But just as my
Barbie doll magic wore off, so did my infatuation with Donny in about 8th grade.
About 20some years later, I met Donny in person. I got his autograph! He was in Minneapolis for several
weeks playing the title role in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamboat... er...
Dreamcoat. As a part of the event's promotion, Donny was going to be in downtown to meet anyone who
wanted to stand in line for the honor. I got the chance to shake his hand and finally gaze into those
�gorgeous brown eyes I had stared at on album covers for hours on end. I was eager to meet him, but I was
curious as to how I would feel about it when the moment finally arrived.
As he got closer and closer to me, I thought about his hit Puppy Love and how that was one of my favorite
songs. Then my mind drifted to thinking about my real puppy at home andhonest to Petehow I had
forgotten to give her that month's heartworm pill.
It was my turn. I shook his hand and welcomed him to the Twin Cities. What did I think? He's just a guy. A
talented, friendly guy, but he was a working parent just like me. I will always admire his artistry, but the
sizzle was gone. Incredibly, as a Minnesota citizen, my feelings of fondness for him now was for providing
the Twin Cities with great Broadway entertainment and bringing much needed tourism dollars into our state.
Could this be the same girl?gone from swooning teenybopper to sober taxpayer?
What I never thought about as a young girl was this: what was adolescence like for Donny? He grew up
being the innocent romantic companion of an untold number of girls who were trying on womanhood for the
first time. With the egocentricity of a child, I never thought that Donny had any feelings. Now I
wondered...How was it for Donnygrowing up as the idol of all the teenyboppers like me? I just found the
most touching interview on YouTube. If you are a Donny fan, or even if you aren't, this clip is instructive for
any student in human development or family studies. Celebrity teens have special needs... listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40Aii5e4GmQ
In 51 years, Donny has built an amazing and versatile career. He has reinvented himself over and over.
After teen celebrity, he went on to cohost his own variety show, and he continues to record fabulous music.
He's been a talk show host and a game show host (a good onenot cheesy.) He's hilariously funny. This
collaboration with comedian Weird Al Yankovic, in which he makes selfdeprecating fun of his being "white
and nerdy," has had over 2 million hits on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbVtbc_XzrI
He's starred in Broadway musicals and is a first rate talentlisten to these clips from "Joseph."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKHDpT26FGk
Gulp. He's not just for teenyboppers anymore. When I heard Donny sing this following solo in person from
fewer than 50 feet away... tears just streamed down my face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ_kaB75dEg
Finally, and most importantly, he's a decent human being. From all accounts, Donny is a dedicated family
manhusband and father of five... and now a grandfather. He and his whole family are arguably the most
famous and admired representatives of their LDSMormon faith. Surfing around YouTube, one can find
interviews and snippets of their talk shows. In many of these videos, one or more members of the Osmond
family discuss problems that their family has endured. The Osmonds have coped with all the family
heartbreaking situations that all of us have: chronic illnesses, disabilities, disappointments and divorce, just
to name a few.
Donny has spoken frankly of struggling with anxiety disorder. Sister Marie Osmond has talked publicly and
written a book about her scary brush with postpartum depression. As the Osmonds disclosed their
struggles, each time they announced what was happening with such dignity. They honestly "put it out
there." Then they asked for the understanding of the public and asked for their privacy, especially when
there were young children affected. In each of these crises, I have had enormous respect for this family.
Donny, if you are ever googling around and find my blog, I want you to know that you were my first love at
age 11 and helped me through a crucial developmental stage. My husband George "knows about us" and
�understands completely. George had his own teen crushhe had a thing for Julie Newmar who played the
Catwoman in TV's Batman series in the 60s. I guess boys go though this stage too. Another male friend
told me that AnnMargret in Bye, Bye Birdie was solely responsible for the onset of his adolescence.
Happy 51st, Donny. I've thought of you every December 9th since 1971. I celebrate your birthday and your
many gifts. You were such a nice, wholesome young man to be the object of my first crush. Maybe you
formed the model for the real crush for my adult life. My husband George is a talented, shy, and dedicated
family man, too.
Thanks for being my first Sweet and Innocent love. It all started here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQmmxQqFKs
Does anyone else want to admit to a teen celebrity crush? Post a comment!
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
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Donny was my Technicolor Dreamboat
Description
An account of the resource
Ask any woman, "did you have a teenage crush on a celebrity?" Among my girlfriends of my age cohort, if you ask who their teen dream was, you'll probably hear "David Cassidy", "Bobby Sherman" or a few others; my teen idol was Donny.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
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donny-was-my-technicolor-dreamboat
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
December 08, 2008
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/bcb0f08d46b6b82e6ae8c7ed5b6e50c5.pdf
14e8ddd195493e575fbb72dc4beb07d3
PDF Text
Text
Eric's off to CollegeDo I Hear a Helicopter?
By Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | August 30, 2010
A few days ago, I moved my son into a dorm at the University of
MinnesotaMorris campus. He's now 3 hours from Minneapolis and on
his own. It was a difficult moment for this mom. For one thing, Dad was
home sick, and I had to move him in myself. Saying Goodbye until
Thanksgiving resulted in a few tears. My son asked, "Are you OK to
drive, Mom?" I was. I was just so proud that we had raised such a fine
young man.
He's so interesting to talk tohe's been quite a bit of company for his ol' mom and dad. He's our only child,
so my husband and I are facing a transition as well. He will probably be home summers and vacations, but
this is the beginning of empty nest. There's been a lot written about "helicopter" parents. Are parents really
hovering over their kids too much? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it just the times? The economy? What do kids
need as we parents "launch" the young adult?
I asked a friend and colleague, Dr. Stephen Gavazzi from Ohio State, to give some advice to parents like
me. Here's what he said. (In italics)
Having witnessed my firstborn son graduate from college this past spring, and with the second of my
remaining three sons safely ensconced in his first apartment as a college sophomore, I reckon that I know
at least a couple of things about the "off to college" experience. And only rarely does my advice to parents
deviate from one consistent theme: this is NOT the time to stop being involved with your son or daughter.
�However, this is PRECISELY the time to reverse the direction of responsibility for deciding what kind of
involvement will be most helpful.
This change of direction is rather easy to describe, harder to put into action. Think of it this way. You have
done exactly what was needed throughout the years checking on schoolwork, monitoring extracurricular
activities, dispensing unsolicited advice, etc. to help your son or daughter work up to their academic
potential. All done as part of being an active and involved parent, and largely based on what YOU thought
was best for each given situation you faced. And look how successful you are... your son or daughter is
now off to college!
Now, however, the best way for a parent to help their freshman son or daughter is start doing something
entirely new, befitting the newly evolving relationship between a parent and a son or daughter transitioning
into a more adultlike status. Namely, begin to ask your son or daughter what THEY WANT from you in
order to be successful in college. Or said slightly differently, ask your college freshman how they think that
you can best be a resource to them while they begin their life at the university. This will allow your son or
daughter to begin to take responsibility for communicating exactly what it is that they do want (and think that
they do not want) from you.
Of course, the quickest and easiest answer is that they want spending money! And believe me, that request
doesn't necessarily stop when they graduate. So get used to it. But after you get past that, you will be
surprised to hear what your son or daughter also wants from you, if you bother to listen. Often as not, they
just want someone who will be there to listen about whatever is bothering them at the time without being
judged. You won't know what they really want, however, until you ask... and remain in a listening and
accepting mode when they start to answer your question.
Steve has been right on. Eric and I are new at this, but right off the bat, he confronted a choice he had to
make. He called me and laid out the situation, and I told him, "This is your choice, Eric. Let me know what
you want to do." I've been getting updates by email every couple of days about books, registration
changes, financial aid, and other "business." But I've also gotten a few descriptions of some hilarious but
innocent antics that have happened with new friends. It sounds like a stone riot! And yes, I have been
tapped for money. I don't know what could be more American than a college kid calling home for money,
right?
His college has been helpful by placing a lot of this information on websites specifically addressed to
parents. Colleges and universities? Do more of this. If I can go to your website and find deadlines, FAQs
and information we need, I can do less helicoptering. The more information I can find this way, the less I
have to pepper my son with questions about these deadlines and promissory notes. It takes the nagging
out of our conversationswritten and spokenand allows more time for the fun.
The most delightful part of parenting a young adult is seeing things develop in him that his dad and I never
had! For example, he's a Biology majorwith a huge interest in Herpetology. (Frogs). His dad is a software
engineerI'm a family life educator. Neither of us has the slightest interest in frogs. Where did this come
from? I wish someone could have told me, when he was a newborn, that parenting a young adult would be
my favorite stage of parenting yet.
This helicopter is ready to come in for a landing. In my last email to him I wrote, "These will be some of the
best years of your life, Eric. Soar!"
�Many thanks to Steve Gavazzi, his expertise and his experienced reassurance. What makes for a
successful student? Check out Steve's video on YouTube about this very subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQybhvBPoo
National Council on Family Relations | 1201 West River Parkway · Suite 200 · Minneapolis, MN 55454 · 888.781.9331
Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | © 2017. All rights reserved.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Eric's off to College---Do I Hear a Helicopter?
Description
An account of the resource
There's been a lot written about "helicopter" parents. Are parents really hovering over their kids too much? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it just the times? The economy? What do kids need as we parents "launch" the young adult?
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
erics-college-do-i-hear-helicopter
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
August 30, 2010
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/8127955a88c71d8e1408438b0da994d5.pdf
95a5a9ab3c3e367f78f4f357a0389720
PDF Text
Text
Ethics: the problem with putting people on pedestals
by Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by Nancy Gonzalez | February 09, 2011
There is a shortcoming I have that sometimes leads to extreme
disappointment. It doesn't happen often anymore, but enough that it
depresses me a lot when it does. It always makes me want to slap
myself and say, "You never learn, do you?" I have this tendency to
create heroes for myself and, occasionally, I end up with regret. A few
of my people have fallen off their pedestals. As I've aged, I've gotten
better at choosing my heroes. In fact, it hasn't happened in many
years. Earlier in my career, I had one such experience that left me
crestfallen and bewildered. I'd like to tell the story about this story. All
identifying information has been changed.
In another job, years ago, in a different place, I had a colleague I
thought was not only wise but terribly witty and a joy to be around. I
worked with a group of people, and I believe we all admired him. One of the traits I ascribed to him, which
turned out to be a complete mistake, was sterling ethics. I still can't believe what he did.
At lunch one day, this colleague was with a group of us. It was as if he was holding court. We were sitting
at a large table, and he was regaling us with stories. He was hilarious... until he started to tell the story that
knocked him off my pedestal forever.
He had just sold his car. He put an ad in the paper, and a prospective buyer responded. It was an older car
that, as I remember, he listed for about $1,000. The thing is, the car had a blown head gasket. The repairs
would cost as much as the car was worth, which is why he wanted to get rid of it. Blown head gaskets
make a car inoperable after just a few minutes after ignition. Then it overheats. And you're stuck.
My admired colleague wanted to unload his lemon. He knew that the car would run about 10 minutes before
it quit. The engine had to be stone cold for best results. He parked the car the night before in the site where
he agreed to meet the buyer to make sure it would be a cold start. The buyer started the car. In a
Minnesota winter, it took a while to warm up and begin overheating, but it was just long enough for an
uneventful test drive. The buyer took it for a spin around the block, gave my friend a stack of Benjamins,
and they transferred the title on the spot.
This story at lunch started off well. There are lots of funny things that can happen with cars. But as the
punch line came, and I had found out he had deliberately defrauded an innocent person... I could feel the
blood drain from my face. Most of the people around me laughedbut I was just sickened. My pastedon
smile faded painfully. I quickly excused myself: time to go bang myself on the head again mentally and self
talk my recriminations, "You never learn!"
�What's the moral of the story? Did my colleague get nailed by karma or "what goes around comes around"
justice? I don't think so. I've kept tabs via grapevines, and this guy is now in a leadership position in a
major organization, doing just fine, with no known problems with insomnia.
Share your thoughts
Posted by Anonymous | March 3, 2011 7:38pm.
Your former friend acted really badly for sure. Maybe this was enough of a transgression to end the friendship, but I
wonder if he shouldn't have gotton the opp to explain himself. "Why did you do that?? Not nice!!!" Maybe that's the
problem with pedestals, way too narrow and it doesn't take much to fall off. Bob M.
National Council on Family Relations | 1201 West River Parkway · Suite 200 · Minneapolis, MN 55454 · 888.781.9331
Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | © 2017. All rights reserved.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
N equals 1 blog
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
n-equals-1
Description
An account of the resource
<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
Text
A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Ethics: the problem with putting people on pedestals
Description
An account of the resource
I have this tendency to create heroes for myself and, occasionally, I end up with regret. A few of my people have fallen off their pedestals.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ethics-problem-putting-people-pedestals
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
February 09, 2011
-
https://archive.ncfr.org/files/original/c03762d1729213f13202cf060fd10add.pdf
6756bf2493d320fe8d47fe0ab6e783dc
PDF Text
Text
Everything I wanted to know about true love I learned
in my bathroom
Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
Posted by NCFR | November 17, 2010
Last September, my husband and I celebrated our twentyfifth wedding
anniversary. I thought that when we hit this milestone, I would reach
some epiphany or acquire some sage insights as to why we made it but
half of couples do not. The truth is I am no expert and have only
speculation. There are hardworking, very good people whose
marriages have dissolved. We are not better in any way. I can say we
loved each other, but that's not unique. Presumably all couples entering
marriage walk down the aisle in love and with intentions of a lifelong
relationship.
George and I had several factors going for us that demographers
identify as factors correlated with lifelong marriage. We were old enough, at 32 and 25. We both had
college degrees. Neither of us had been married before. Both sets of parents were married. We did not
have a lot of debt. We didn't have a child for almost three years. We had similar values in terms of
relationship egalitarianism and financial management.
Still, we had some areas of heterogamy that we know can be risk factors. While we have identical
definitions of morality, we come from and have different religious beliefs. We come from two different
cultures and countries of origin. We did not have a great number of shared interests, especially early in our
marriage.
Over time, we closed some important gaps. While research tells us that transitioning to parenthood lowers
marital satisfaction, the birth of our son gave us a new compelling shared interest. Our political beliefs
drifted toward each other's. After much lobbying on my behalf, he finally agreed to get a dog (what I thought
was essential for a happy life.) He is now so wild about dogs that when I suggested we not get another dog
when our last one died, he wouldn't hear of it. We have found ways to combine our interests. I like antiques
he likes electronics. So we go to flea markets. I look at the antiques. He looks for vintage radios that he
loves to restore.
In my business, you don't read a lot of firstperson marriage memoir that's not full of superlatives. We all
want to look as if we have perfect lives. But I know the score from 25 years' experience and from talking
with friendsand even strangers on airplanes. In their honest moments, even those in intact relationships
invariably tell me three things: 1) It's darn hard work, and 2) they've all had moments where they've been
scared about the future and 3) there's a lot of luck involved. At any time, life can deal a crushing blow. A car
accident. A chronic illness. A layoff. A house fire... or the loss of a child. There are plenty more where those
�came from. I venture to say that every relationship has its breaking point. (Incidentally, George and I have
survived all of the above.)
We made it. A demographer friend tells me that the likelihood for divorce after 25 years is low. I'm a "lifer."
And George is too, not because he has a perfect wifewe are each other's favorite companion. Also, we
have another protective factorhe just hates change, which is one of the key reasons he appealed to me in
the first place. He is SteadyEddie, EvenSteven stable. I have a best friend who loves to see me succeed,
a person who loves the same kid as much as I do, and someone who loves animals. He is gentle and
generous. He's the brightest man I've ever met. (He can add, subtract, multiply and divide in Base 16 in his
head!) Our differences have been growth opportunities for both of usI know way more about the software
engineering process than I would have, and the same goes for him and family studies. We've seen each
other at our worst and still come back for more. Perhaps the question that is more important is: "Knowing all
you do now, would you still pick the same person?" My answer is an emphatic "yes."
One protective factor for us was that we didn't get hung up on following a recipe for marriage. Date night?
Forget it. Our son didn't sleep through the night until he was two. We both preferred to stay home to go to
sleep early in lieu of passing out into our eggplant parmesan. He never remembers my birthdayor our
anniversaries. I could've made a big deal out of this over the years, but haven't. I know he doesn't even
remember his own birthday, so it's nothing personal. He's relentlessly cheerful in the morning, but I've
learned to live with it. He doesn't come home with flowers. But he carefully maintains my car, and my
laptop always has the latest updates and virus checkers which is, to me, more thoughtful and practical. I
have more imperfections than he, which he has overlooked or taken with good humor; among them is my
title as the world's worst cook. Early in our marriage, I tried making lasagna. I didn't know that one should
boil the lasagna noodles before they go in the oven. George took a bite and looked like he was eating a
rawhide chew.
Although the following story is medically explicit, it's the one that, in all of my married life, best illustrates
what real love looks like. It's in these less than glamorous moments in which the truths about a relationship
become evident. Early in our marriage, I had a bout of chronic cystitis recurring bladder infectionsa series
that persisted for over a year. They are incredibly painful, and I thank God I don't get them anymore. With
every subsequent infection, the bladder and urethra develop more and more scar tissue until finally, the
scars open up and start to bleed. At that point, the acidic urine washes past these scars, and it's
excruciating. I honestly had less pain recovering from my Csection a couple of years later. During one of
my last infections, I was sitting on the commode for hours, crying, as I passed what felt and looked like red
sulfuric acid. The doctor had started me on antibiotics, but he said it would be about 24 hours before they
kicked in. During the hours that I sat there sobbing, George sat on the edge of the bathtub, holding my
hand patiently, quietly, and he suffered with me. Now THAT'S love.
We've been in empty nest mode now for several months. Conventional wisdom says this transition
introduces a period of risk. Again, my experience is different. We're at our best today. We're having tons of
fun. We go out to breakfast once a week. We walk our dog regularly. As much as it's nice to have someone
to talk to, it's just as wonderful to have someone to be quiet with. We have a treasure of shared history. We
have a lexicon of inside jokes so refined that we can get each other to crack up with one word. After 25
years, we've had all our fights and have either worked them out or agreed to disagree. What I thought was
love 25 years ago is now laughable. Thiswhat we have after 25 yearsis love.
On our anniversary, I reminded him that we've been married 25 years. He said what he always says
facetiously every September 14th, "Hmm. Shall we give it another year?"
Epilogue
Another protective factor for a lasting marriage is social support from one's community. At the last annual
conference, an anniversary gift was left for me at the registration desk. NCFR member, Fellow and
�Margaret Arcus Award winnerand dear friendWally Goddard found out that George and I made it to "25."
Wally, an expert woodworker, engraved the solid oak plaque (pictured above) for the occasion. We will
treasure it always.
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N equals 1 blog
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n-equals-1
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<p>Hello! I'm NCFR's blogger, Nancy Gonzalez. I am the former director of public affairs for NCFR<em>.</em> I have a Master's in Family Life Education from the University of Minnesota, and I'm a Certified Family Life Educator. I'm married to a great guy named George, a software engineer, and mother to our college age son, Eric. Our family also consists of a Border Collie named Beau and two calico kitties, Shelley and Shirley. I knew I wanted to study families at age 16. My blog is entitled <em>"The N = 1 Experiment"</em> to emphasize that my "findings" are anecdotal and therefore are my "1 person reflections." The topics I write about are based on the family studies field, my own family, current events, memoir and humor. Its contents are my opinion and my responsibility alone and not the official position of NCFR as an organization. I invite your comments!</p>
<p><em>The views expressed in this blog may not represent the views of the entire NCFR organization. </em></p>
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Everything I wanted to know about true love I learned in my bathroom
Description
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Last September, my husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I thought that when we hit this milestone, I would reach some epiphany or acquire some sage insights as to why we made it but half of couples do not. The truth is I am no expert and have only speculation.
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Nancy Gonzalez, CFLE
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everything-i-wanted-know-about-true-love-i-learned-my-bathroom
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November 17, 2010